Two years. #Divorce-versary
It’s been two years since I received the final divorce decree.
I remember the pit I felt in my stomach when I got the final document in my email that day.
I remember the call from my attorney and the “congratulations” she expressed. I remember the relief and the guilt.
I remember the feeling of failure and at the same time, the feeling of freedom.
I remember the what could’ve, should’ve, would’ve beens, the what if’s, the anger.
I remember the sadness and the possibility of new joy.
I remember the fear, the oh shit, this is real and the feeling of anxiety surrounding our new reality.
I remember how I knew I was going to have to be stronger than I’d ever been before because I could see the writing on the wall.
I knew I had to grieve, but my children needed me to be strong. Let me tell you, that’s a hard place to be. Motherhood is tough as it is, but we always rise. Side note: women are freaking amazing.. we truly are resilient and can do whatever we set our hearts and minds to. We do what we have to do. Because that’s who we are.
So I began to find my strength, take my power back, and I began to remember who the f I had always been, but somehow allowed it to get lost. I began to use my voice and speak up and out (hellooooo, throat chakra!). I was in the middle of YTT (yoga teacher training) and it was the most life changing experience ever anyway, pair it with other strong women (who will always hold a special place in my heart), and I truly believe I wouldn’t have found the strength within to get through without YTT.
My heart was crushed – watching my children grieve has no doubt been the most difficult part…and still is, because I have no explanation or excuses for how we both failed….or for his continued choices.
But the lessons, the beautiful lessons… that’s what I choose to focus on, choose to teach and lead my girls and how I know now what I could’ve / should’ve / will do differently moving forward.
All this to say, it has taken a TON of work to get where I am at this moment. I wouldn’t be here without support from so many incredible humans. I am forever grateful and humbled for that. It has required a lot of inner work, healing, trusting myself, therapy, family, friends who are like family, letting go of what and who no longer serves and being open to new beginnings. Choosing one way then another, day by day and many days, one breath at a time. And then one day, such as this, two years later, you’re able to look back in hindsight and smile. Wondering why you were ever really worried you wouldn’t make it. Because here you are. You rose from the ashes. You have created the life you knew you and your children deserved. Things always work out just as they’re meant to. The growth I’ve witnessed within my girls makes my heart swell with pride and joy and at the same time, brings tears to my eyes. I have become a better mother because of all the growth.
When you go through divorce, even months, after, you begin to see things more clearly. Others, yourself, your children. What and who truly matters and who and what doesn’t. You’ll find that those who aren’t meant to be in your life, who were only there for a season, disappear. And the real and right people show up, sometimes just to sit and hold space for you (and your kids).
You realize that nothing truly matters except your kids and your well-being. You learn that people will talk, judge, gossip, give unsolicited advice… and that they’re going to do that regardless, you just have to learn to trust yourself and block out the noise. No one walks your path but you.
You learn that you will be given the same lessons over and over until you acknowledge, accept, change, learn and grow from them.
Self awareness reaches a whole new level.
You learn how to adapt and flow.
You learn how to forgive. Yourself and others.
You grieve. And allow.
You learn how to set and keep strong boundaries.
You learn to appreciate the little things more.
You begin to find joy in the little things.
You learn that you have everything you need within you, and you begin to trust yourself again.
You find purpose.
You find yourself again.
You rise up, and then when you look back, you realize, wow, I f’ing made it.
AND YOU SMILE. 🙂
If you resonate with any of these things, please know I feel you, I hold space for you in my heart, and I’m sending so much love, light & blessings your way.
And if you haven’t seen my posts, I’m creating a one of a kind program that helps divorced women & moms navigate finding their way back to themselves. It is a deep dive container where I hold space, guide and share all the tools I have used over the last few years and even before my divorce that will no doubt change your life and put you on a path to freedom, purpose and peace. If you’re interested in the details, shoot me a message and I’ll add you to my list when it’s ready. Thank you all for being on this journey with me.